I don't know how to take the recent events that have happened. I'm sad, yet lukewarm about it. Really, it's no big deal. It's just going to take a long time for me to heal. I truly appreciate your warnings, and like a fool I didn't heed them. I am far too blind to know what love is and isn't. I'm not going to give it up, but I see myself dying alone in my future. If I suck that much, then it is something I can accept.

It never stops. Peaks and valleys, ebb and flow.

To get to the point: I met a beutiful young woman this weekend and I'm falling hard for her. I don't really know what to do because my heart is telling me "go for it!" while my situation tells me I should wait and take care of everything here first. I'm on the fence about doing both. XD It has been so long since I've been in a real relationship. Even so, I don't know what real love is, given the fact that I've been left with my heart crushed so many times. I really need this and I hope that she sees that I can love her. I won't be long in making up my mind, but what about her? How do I know she really wants me too?

I hope I won't be kept waiting for long...

Amazing how PEOPLE can AFFECT you in so MANY WAYS, such as when you MEET SOMEONE new, your perception of them; or at least mine, is a trusting and LOVING one. THEN once you get to know that person, you either CRUMBLE OR grow strong with that person and a RELATIONSHIP follows on the heels of friendship. It is this game of LIMBO that my brain PLAYS HEADS OR TAILS with me. FLIP A COIN. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?


JUNK O0H UH 10213091245

People affect (others in) many ways, meet someone loving, then crumble. (if it goes wrong) *What was broken will eventually mend. (just tell yourself that.)Relationship(s), *in unstable lovers: Limbo plays heads or tails. (take a chance and) Flip a coin. *Only you will know: What will happen (if it goes right)

...Since I've updated my journal.

It is odd how everything that you worked for comes crashing down. When you remember them, how they cared for you, then turned around. It almost seems like nothing is ever sacred or set in stone, even after you made that commitment. I know I'm not the only one that feels cheated on everything. I always feel like I'm chasing ghosts when it comes to loving relationships. I work so hard in making my life and those around me pleasant. I feel I should just give up. People keep telling me I'm selfish, but I give and give until I can't anymore. And when I've exhaused it all, I'M the selfish person. Ironic, isn't it? I feel it's best that I don't try anymore. I'm miserable thinking about the past and I really haven't let go of it, I haven't let go of that promise. Also, even when I try to meet someone I feel I like, they aren't interested or they are already taken. I give up. There isn't anyone that can replace what she took away. It's going to take a lifetime for me to forgive them. I feel like it was all a planned scheme. I'm tied of not being "the one". I'm just not good enough.

Back in eastern Carolina. Not really loving it, but not hating it either. I'm back in school and I have a few dates lined up for the next few weeks. I'm going out with a friend that is a woman I might rehearse with a band and land a gig, and while this is happening, I hope to get a job, so I've been very busy this past month trying to get out of the negative bullshit that brought me down to where I am. I'm picking myself back up, dusting myself off and saying: "Fuck it. It's time for me to have something real for a change, instead of caring for someone from afar." I'm done taking care of me. I want someone to love for seriously.